Dealing With Loss.

I know this is a little bit deep for a Thursday morning blog post, but I feel like I need to write this for me. This morning, I am reflecting on the past 3 years I have spent without my mum being by my side. As a 17 year old girl I didn't realise exactly what my mum was going through with her disease and how fatal it really was. In 2011 my mum got diagnosed with systemic schleroderma, a rare autoimmune disease that thousands of people live with everyday. Suffering with terrible symptoms that take away their independence & feeling their body's slowly turn to stone.

I wish I understood that when she got diagnosed, there was more chance of her not surviving than her getting better and coming home. When I got a phone call telling off my grandparents saying she isn't going to coming out of hospital, it came as a massive shock. The morning before she died, me, my sister and dad drove to Manchester Hope Hospital to say our last goodbyes. I will never forget that morning.

The 2 months she spent in to hospital before she died, I wish I had been to visit her more & rang her hospital phone more...all these feelings of regret and guilt build up inside me everyday. This is unhealthy. Never feel regret it guilty for things you cannot change, it took me a while to realise what I was doing to myself, beating myself up for being in denial about how ill my mum really was. My brain automatically went into autopilot to protect me from the hurt and pain. Only now that I have accepted that I have found inner peace and I am able to stop moping around thinking about things I cannot change and enjoy my life the way my mum would have wanted me to.

I knew that she knew although I was a difficult teenager and hard to love at times. I still cared and loved her deeply and that's what gets me through the hard times.

When my mum passed away in December 2011, I moved in with my grandparents and I gradually fell deeper and deeper into depression. I wasn't looking after myself, I wasn't socialising, I wasn't surrounding myself with positivity. I felt like my life couldn't possibly get any better.

I decided to au pair in Italy for the summer of 2012 as I needed to give myself a boost of positivity and confidence. I feel so lucky to have met the most lovely family and spend an amazing 3 months with them. They truly gave me the support and confidence to be myself and change my ways of thinking. I am so greatful for the experience I gained when I au paired in Italy and it will stay with me forever.

When I arrived home from Italy, I met my boyfriend, Gary, who I have been with for nearly 3 years. He has been the biggest support & has helped me deal with crippling anxiety which is slowly but surely getting better.

Surrounding yourself with positive people is so important, when you feel alone, there are so many people that care for you and are there for you, ask them to be there for you when you need them.

I know it can be hard, and time can heal this. But don't make your loss of a loved one your whole life. Make it a part of your life, no matter who it was, your grandparents, uncle, auntie, mother, father, friend...they would have wanted the best for you and they would be so proud to see you are making something of yourself and living your life. Because of this I feel like I can remember my mum for the person she was, I had the best mum for 17 years of my life and I feel so lucky to have spent that time with her. ☺️

Sorry for such a long post, but I felt I needed to write this on my little miniature piece of the Internet!

Thank you for reading.

x